Proponents of measures to improve school safety, such as Rio’s new security fence or increased police presence on campuses, may be barking up the wrong tree.
What we may need is a new breed of security that would bark of the right tree.
Some American schools have added dogs to their security team in order to sniff out drugs and guns, attack intruders and patrol the halls.
The problem with security dogs is that they are expensive. It costs about $10,000 to buy and train a dog, according to the Associated Press. That’s a lot of money for schools in these days of tight budgets.
Instead of adding the cost of a dog, I modestly propose we replace costly school employees with dogs. Rather than aiding vice principals, they could be vice principals.
Although this sounds radical, I have given this thoughtful consideration.
Let me present these unbiased facts:
Dogs are cheaper; you don’t need to pay a dog a salary.
Dogs can sniff out drugs in a backpack. VPs may claim to have a sixth sense for trouble, but have you ever actually seen a VP smelling a kids backpack?
We could reduce time-consuming locker inspections with an all-canine administration.
Dogs are good in emergencies. As anyone who has seen Lassie knows, dogs are much better than humans at discovering kids who fall down a well.
Could a VP properly protect our students this well? Do we really want our students to be at risk for well-related injuries and potential follow-up lawsuits?
True, VPs have a better control of the school’s websites, but, as the saying goes, nobody you’re a dog on the internet.
Dogs have tons of youth appeal, something severely lacking in most administrative positions.
True, some students are afraid of dogs, but isn’t mistrust of authority figures an even more pervasive issue? Putting a friendly face –and a wagging tail– on the administration could solve this.
And as seen in the dramatized documentary “Air Bud,” dogs could even improve the school’s athletic performance.
While VPs need secretaries and sub-sub-advisory administrative executive agents, a dog would only require a walker and pooper scooper. In fact, the only current argument for retaining a VP is the poop issue.
Most importantly, dogs would be able to solve Rio’s long-standing “turkey problem”; an issue whose solution has long eluded VPs.