Satire: George Santos: One of Rio’s Finest

Logan Swain and Adam Abolfazli

Disclaimer: This article is purely for entertainment purposes. The quotes in this article are not actually from the persons quoted.

In an exclusive interview with the Mirada, George Santos, a newly elected Republican congressman from New York, said he owes his political success to his time as a student at Rio Americano.

“It was actually an accident that I ended up going there for high school,” Santos said. “I thought I was applying to an American school in Rio de Janeiro.”

Santos, however, has no regrets about the mix-up, which he said gave him the opportunity to hone his abilities.

“Being captain of the volleyball team, and leading us to a gold medal at the Olympics each year that I attended, really gave me the leadership skills I needed to get elected to Congress,” Santos said. “I also learned how to talk to people by being in a lot of clubs, like Young Conservatives and Jew Crew.”

Santos recalls that his favorite class from his time at Rio was AP Ethics, which is no longer offered.

“It taught me so much and made me into the person I am today,” he stated.

According to Santos, his crowning achievement was being named valedictorian in 2007. “It’s either that or winning a Grammy while in the school band,” he said.

The Mirada also interviewed several teachers from his tenure at the school. Asked what they recalled most about him, those that remembered him immediately mentioned his style of dress—a dark brown wig, lipstick, and an ostentatious feathery red dress. Several, however, have no recollection of his attendance.

“I think I would remember a student who won the Regeneron Science Talent Search for demonstrating cold fusion in chicken eggs,” said chemistry teacher Phillip Montbriand.

“I don’t remember anyone named George Santos,” English teacher Michael Mahoney added. “He sounds like a student I had named Anthony Devolder, though.”

During a recent interview with a national newspaper, Santos claimed that he was voted “Most Likely to Conquer the World” in Rio’s 1995 yearbook. However, local readers doubted the accuracy of this assertion, since Santos did not attend Rio that year, nor did any such award category exist in the yearbook.

Santos also recounted his immense business success prior to his entry into the U.S. House, which he said started while he was still a Rio student.

“By the time I was a junior,” he said, “I had earned $5 million from a part-time job at Willie’s.” 

He described how he was able to overcome adversity to achieve entrepreneurial success.

“Four of my employees died in a tragic accident,” Santos said. According to him, however, he made the best out of a tragic situation, starting a wildly successful GoFundMe for their funeral that raised a whopping $11 million.

“The profits from that crowdfunding campaign actually inspired me to found Goldman Sachs,” Santos said. He said banking career provided a natural springboard for his entry into the House of Representatives, where he hopes his 6.2 GPA from his studies at Rio will enable him to pass the Brazilian Check Fraud Protection Act.